Ever feel like its world war three?
And..I'm not talking about any countries, I'm talking about my house. Rawr.
And my music doesn't cover up the yelling, the tears, and frustration of my family.
I feel the best way to express my emotions is through music and poetry.
so, here comes a poem.
and its short. because i cant think of anything.
Fighting, anger, frustrations
Welcome to my life
This is what I live through
It becomes worse everyday
The pain becomes stronger
The fights seem even longer
Why does my family have to be this way?
now, i'll rant.
why am i upset over something that doesn't actually involve me? my sister. someone who wasn't always there for me. She was always the boss. Someone I use to call a rolemodel. Now I just say is stupid. I never wanted this to be like this. I just want her to be as far away from me as possible. Or not from me, but my parents. The stress that they get from her. She should be going to WVU this friday to move in. Instead, this so called love of her life is moving to FL so she is going to. With what money? The girl can't keep a steady job if her
life depended on it. Why should I help her? What has she done for me? Just cause more stress on me. Taken my clothes. Eatting my food. Sure, she's driven me places. After she gets paid. Why? Why?! Why the hell do I care about someone like this? Who would boss me around. Who would always tell me to SUCK IT IN because I looked fat in a certian dress or shirt. Who would always tell me how I should live and do stupid things to myself because I'll be happier. She use to be right. Back in the day. The only thing she was right about was Kutz. She loved Kutz. But look how much its done for her now. I just want to go back to Kutz. Where life is perfect. Why did she fall in love with a high school dropout with no life goal and has abuse in his background? Some lowlife shady kid. Who just happens to have a nice body. What the fuck? I remember my sister use to screw up. She always have and always will. And my parents always put all this pressure on me dont end up like her. Blah Blah Blah. Yeah I know. Now she's going to have to live on her own. I have no idea how. Why can't she just go to college? And forget this bad kid as a love? She says that they are going to get married. How could I even go to a wedding where I feel the couple should never even SEE eachother. It makes me want to just run away forever. Just take me miles and miles away. Or take her away. I just want to fly on a plane to anywhere. Really to PA. I'd feel a lot better if I could just be away. Just send me back to Kutz. I'd do anything to go back. Just for 10 mins. Give me the family I actually want. No. Send me to North Carolina. Let me be with the man who cures everything. I'll just live with adam. Be a pet in his dorm room at UNC-CH. He is my family. I care for him, he cares for me. And that just makes me miss kutz even more. As I listen to Kutz music. Why do I toture myself? I can't handle this. I don't think I can handle this any longer. If I didn't have summer kallah..i donno what I'd do with myself. I think I'd die. Or crawl up and die. Whatever, its not like anyone reads this shit.
I'm.....alive!?
Thats right. I survived the first day of field hockey tryouts.
im exhausted. my body doesnt like moving. its fun. i made muffins. i like muffins.
mmmmmmm good.
My Last Day of Living.
Yes, you read correctly. Tomorrow I will die. Not mentally, or really, but physically, may I rest in peace. Amen.
Your probably thinking..what? Tomorrow starts my field hockey tryouts. Also known as hell. Anit that somethin'? Well, i had a good last day.
Rob met up with me in DC for lunch at Cosi's. So yummy. :) Rob and I talked walked and hung out around DC. Had a ton of fun. That boy brings smiles to my face. I love him a lot. Alright well I'm getting quite hot.
can't wait for gesh, 8 days, 8 days. :)
Long phone conversations are love. :)
so. life. about that.
this weekend has been nice. didn't do much today. woke up. ate food. watched tv. talked on the phone. ate lunch. watched tv. talked on the phone. went on the computer. ate dinner. talked to rachel barr. went on the computer.
boring sunday. but i wanted to relax, so I got what I wanted, right? Yep. :)
well, this is pointless. i guess im done now.
9 days. :)
Shavua Tov!
Ohhh how I love Saturdays. Especially this one.
This morning I woke up at 8am to get ready to go to Torah study at 9am at the temple. And my stomach was being mean and saying SCREW YOU RACHEL. Because I ate great Chinese food last night. And it
killed my stomach last night and this morning. And I specificlly remember someone at Kutz telling me health before services. So I stayed home. And my stomach got better. I was upset. But I felt like in a way it was a sign from God that I shouldn't of gone to services. Crazy? Maybe. Maybe not. Haha gotta love it.
Then I went to Laura Miller's house. I taught her how to play the Havdallah chords for her Summer Kallah board meeting thats coming up this coming weekend. I feel confident in her. As long as she pratices. Love her a lot. We hung out and then saw The Devil Wears Prada. Great cute movie. I'm a fan. I enjoyed it. And then we had Coldstone. MMMMM good. Coffee ice cream and brownie chunks. Now thats what I call an ice cream. :) Then we went back to her BAYIT. (home in hebrew!!)
Her parents invited me to the Nats game tonight. How could I say no? I had never been before. Not a big fan of baseball, but I enjoyed myself! We sat in section 201, which wasn't so bad. But it was so weird to be at RFK for a
baseball game. Not a
soccer game. I felt so odd. Crazy. But I liked it. The Nats didn't win. They played the Mets. But it was a somewhat close game. The mets started out by scoring 3 runs in the first four innings. And then the Nats came back in the 6th inning and score some runs or something. I really don't know that much about baseball. Except that it makes people really excited. Which makes me giggle a little bit.
Basiclly thats been my Saturday. A great one if you asked me. On the way home Mr. Miller and I had a great conversation about life. He's a charater that man. But a nice one. :)
Oh how I can't wait for Summer Kallah. 9 days kids. :)
Shavua Tov!
Shabbat Shalom, HEY!
Okay, first Shabbat back at home. Wanna cry much? yeah, life story. I miss looking at that view when I'm praying. Ohh how I miss Kutz, a lot. I don't want to cry. I haven't cried since the last day of Kutz. I'm just gonna hold it in until Summer Kallah. And when I see Zach, I'll cry. Good.
It's totally hard adjusting to my temple. I know that I was going to have this problem. But like, we didn't do all of some of the prayers. It made me really upset. Thank goodness I was there with one of my best friends (Laura Miller the NFTY-MAR RCVP). We finished the prayer ourselves under our breath. That made me think of Kutz because of all the silent prayers. Oh how I love silent prayer. I feel so connceted. :)
Then we had oneg and I hung out with Laura Miller and Katie afterwards. Herd all about the crazyness of Israel. It was so good to be with Laura Miller. I love her a lot. It was good to be with her. In fact, these past couple of days I've been with some of my favorite MARites. Including Julia Berkson and Mimi Stein. Hearing all about the crazy amazing Israel trip from three different points of view. Its what I call interesitng. :)
So tomorrow morning I'm waking up at 8am to go to torah study at my temple. I've never been before. So we will see how this bussiness works out. But I want to be even more involved than I already am. I plan on helping with aiding sunday mornings again. Plus I'm on my TYG Board, as the Membership Vice President. MVP kids. And its really most vaulable! haha maybe not so much...anywhoo
I don't have time to compare sessions. But I will later. 11 days until I'm with people I love. A lot. As in Zach, Maxie, Carolyn, MARites, and other random PARites. Love it. Live it. Got it. GOOD.
<3
Camp Kutz, after two sessions
I've been home for about, let's see, three or four days? I don't keep track of the days well after being away for six weeks when I could tell what day it was from the food we ate and from the prayers we chanted. :)
Kutz. Oh Kutz. As I put on my Joe Roff's jewish rock music to type this.
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FIRST SESSIONSONGLEADING MAJOR WITH JOSH AND CARYN: One of, if not my most favorite part of the day. Everyday we came in and sat around in a big circle in black chairs. I still remember the first day I walked into the music room. Greg and I were walking in together to what we had no idea would be such an amazing adventure. I sat down, with Greg by my side and looked around. The music room had an unfamilar scent and look to it. From there we started a silly name game where you made a sound and then said your name, and we would all repeat it. There are those sounds that you never forget. Like Ben, who was first and clapped. I had no idea the friendship I would build with Ben. And Kyle who said Quack. Sarah Ficsher went moo, Mara said yesss. My sound was a popping sound. Greg had some weird high pitch sound which made him stick out for a day. And from there, we bonded a friendship and we all got along pretty well. Or so, you would of thought. Every morning in class we would analyze every song session, service, and sometimes other things. But mostly services and songsessions. It was great to be able to talk about all the things that went well and badly. Esepcially when we got into the cabin services. A few of them really stuck out to me, and still do, while others stick out to me in a bad way. But there was no cabin service where I thought the songleading was bad. Thats the beauty of kutz, so many talented people. Lots of songleaders. I love it. My cabin's service did not go as well as I would of liked, but I felt I didn't suck too terribly. :D I never relized how hard songleading could be. I am lucky because my sister taught me how to songlead and it just came so naturally to me. I never relized how hard it can be for other people. And how you have to take in other people's strengths and weeknesses when you songlead with someone else. I'm actually wearing my songleading t-shirt right now. Red and fabulous. Oh how I miss songleading. During second sesion I went up to the music rooms during chofesh or something. And just sat and looked. Imagined first session song leading major there sitting in their places. Allen sleeping on the ground and Maxie in RJ's lap. Ahh I miss it a lot. But its given me so much more confidence and ideas. I never really thought about what goes on behind the scenes of a songsession.
GUITAR WITH JOSH: What a fun class. Basiclly we just sang through the Shirenu. And it was quite nice. I also learned how to play bar chords. Oh, funny story. So Josh taught me how to do a bar chord. And I told Josh about how when I came to Kutz I wanted to learn bar chords, and he said great! Now you can go home. That still makes me laugh. But I can't wait to get that CD he made us of the entire Shirenu (or the parts he know). It was a nice elective.
CONVERSATIONAL HEBREW WITH MIRI: It was a cham class. (cham is hot in hebrew) Because it was held in the hillel and it always seemed to be cham. I love using cham. Its my favortie hebrew word. Well, one of them at least. I didn't learn that much because well, I didn't really pay much attention. But I do remember random things. Like, Ma nishma!? Ani margisha ayefa and sababa. Yeah I'm good like that. Toda Raba. Hehe. Alright so maybe thats a little basic but I did impress my mom! Hah!
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SECOND SESSIONTYG LEADERSHIP WITH ABBYE AND SHELLEY: So coming right out of first session into a new major that wouldn't be as long was interesting. My friends from first session told me how amazing TYG leadership was first session and how they recommended it. I was going to do mitztvah core, but I thought this would be better for my future especially in my TYG. Well, let's just say, I didn't get the experince I was expecting. I didn't learn a lot about TYG from that class, but what I did learn was how much of a leader I had become and that I want to be. Andrew told me about how David Singer was like the most amazing person and how I should try to learn a bunch from him. I do regret not doing Judiac Studies a little bit. But I did take his advice as you will see. But what I turely learned in this class is about how much of leader I've become with everything that I learned first session. It really amazed me, because I know if I was to go home I wouldn't of done anything with it because I would of just been at home laying around on my lazy bum. I really liked working with SHelley and Abbye they are super nice and all. I think my last day of TYG leadership was one of my favorties because we got to pretend to be on a board and plan an event. I remember sitting next to Kyle telling him that I hope to get to be RCVP. And sure enough I was. I got to write my own havdallah service and get it approved by Rabbi Eve. That made me wish that I was RCVP of my own TYG back at home. But it was still fun. I made a lot of new friends in that class too. Overall I had fun. SOmedays weren't as good as others. But hey, you can't have every class be perfect right?
CTK: JEWISH RITUALS WITH RABBI ABRAHAM AND DAVID SINGER: By far one of my most favortie classes I have ever taken at the URJ Kutz Camp. :) The first day of this class was interesting. I forgot to look at the location of my class so I just assumed it was going to be in the lirbrary where I found the familiar face of David Singer.I asked him if our class was in here and he said that he wasn't teaching it this week that a different person was and to check in Pagoda Issaic. So I did what I was told. There was about eight of us sitting in the pagaoda waiting for someone to come and teach us. Nobody showed up after 15 mins so I tried to see if I could find someone who might be teaching this class. Instead Allison (the oh so famous Avodahnikim) came and stayed with us until, the man who thought he wasn't teaching this class until a week later came and taught the first day. Which we talked about what a ritual was and why we did it. And, being the David Singer person he is, it made me think a lot about why we would ever do anything. But then Rabbi Abraham came and taught us for the rest of the week. He's quite the charater. I really enjoyed having him teach our elective. He's really fun and nice. I learned a lot about the Jewish life cycle and weddings and how its not as easy as the Jews make it sound. At least with planning a wedding. And of course Ariel was always entertaining in his French ways. The second week was all taught by David Singer. I remember the first day of class he brought in four items. A yamukle, tzit tzit, tefilin, and a tallis. Four items that are holy and found in the Jewish religon. Basiclly we discussed why and how they are used, why it can be spiritual, what they all can mean. I was wondering why I really never knew any of that before. I mean I always knew about all of those things, but I never really got the chance before to touch feel and even try them on if I so desired to do so. It was one of those classes where I felt like my eyes had been blocked out by the sun, and I got handed a pair of shades to see whats really going on. Amazing. :) (yeah that was really cheesey) And now I think almost everyone in my class wears tzit tzit. See what David Singer has done? Turned us all into tzit tzit wearin' jews. And some even started wearing yamukles. I was considering it, but then I relized its just not for me. I'll stick to tzit tzit thank you. :) I really did love that class though. Its one of those few classes your going to remember forever. You know what I mean? Well, I know what I mean.
GOD AND SPIRITUALITY WITH RABBI DAVID AND KOPPEL: Ah yes, another one of those amazing classes I took. I love Rabbi David. I feel like whenever you talk to him about anything, he just listens with his whole soul and mind and really intakes everything you say. Such a great man and Rabbi. :) During that class we did a lot with how we each experince God and how we feel about God. And kind of how God impacts us everyday. It really helped me relized a lot about how I feel about God and such. Plus Rabbi David rocks, a lot. One of the most amazing things he said to me was after the Dan Nicoles concert. I was playing with Dan Nicoles and he told me how he was spiritually moved by my performance. How I looked so connected with myself and God. I looked like I was suppose to be up there. When Rabbi David told me that, it made me smile. And it keeps on making me smile just thinking about it. Its so true. When I'm up on stage playing guitar and singing, with anyone or even just myself, its when I'm the happiest. Nothing is ever bad during a performace. Or even when I songlead. Its my perfect bliss. Which are two of the biggest reasons why I want to be a cantor. Thats another post on why I want to be a cantor. Or rather, I'll type that at the end. :) Then for the second week when Rabbi Koppel taught us, she first went over what we had done the first week. And then we experinced God through food. (i.e. she had Ben and Jerry's ice cream left over that she gave to us which was
awesome!) Then she asked us how we experince God. (well that was next class) And I experince God so much. In so many different ways and things. There are two different ways I told the class though. I experince God through music like when I write a new song, or play a song and feel it through myself and body. I also experince God through people, and especially a certain person too. Then Rabbi Koppel asked us to go out and experince God. What I did was I went to the program room and picked up my guitar. I brought out side of meeting room two and just played. I thought of a song. My first hebrew song. My own Haskevienu. I know I spelled that wrong. Its all tov though. And then I played it for the class the next day because we were suppose to share how we experince God. It was quite nice. I feel so connected to my guitar. I feel like everytime I pick it up, God flows through my body and fingertips and just gives me ideas in my head for more songs. Oh how I love Kutz. Rabbi Roman taught the last day. Boy is that man a charater. I really enjoyed his teachings. He's great.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Okay so thats all of my experinces from Kutz. Well, all the classes at least.
PART TWO..will be next blog :)
