All you feel like you have left are memories
I just gave one of my first, and one of my last hug to my only sister.
She's gone. For now she's off to Flordia. I've been away from my sister many times. She wasn't home very often. But now, she's truely gone. Sometimes you don't know how to react. She brought on so much stress to my family. With the descions she made, with the people she upset. The boyfriends shes had. The one she has. That's why she's gone. I wouldn't be so upset if she was going to college, but she decided not to. Because of her boyfriend that she's in love with. And now, whats left of my house. Is something I would of never thought to be seen. My parents, in big tears. They tried so hard to stop her. But she is my sister. She's gone. Yet, I awaited this day. Even wanted it to come. And now its here, and now, what should I think? I want to cry but yet something inside is telling me to stay strong. For, if I cry, what will it bring? Instead I shall keep it deep inside me as I hear the others in my house sob like I've never herd before. For once in my life, I've never been the strong one, and now I'm going to have to be.
I try to explain this to someone I love, yet he won't understand. He will try. He will confort, but really do nothing. yet I still love him with all my heart.
All I can think of right now are the memories. Memories we had. From when my sister and I got along so well. I would hear all about her boyfriends and best friends. I learned from her. She taught me so much. Made me grow up. Sometimes what she did was crazy, but everytime she did more it taught me more. The way she lived was crazy, but I knew she probably lived up everyday. And i have no idea what thoughts are going through her head, but it must be something intense.
I don't know whats going to happen. But all I can do is have my trust in g-d and pray. Pray everday.
L'Shana Tovah!
To all the Jews (probably only people who read this) L'Shana Tovah!
High holiday services at Rodef Shalom, well let's just say, sometimes not my cup of tea.
I know every temple works differently, but its like everytime I walk into a service I know all I except is our amazing cantors showing off their voices, not letting anyone else sing. Now your thinking, damn thats harsh, but let me explain myself.
I love my cantors. Don't get me wrong on that. They are amazing people. They have even more amazing voices. But personally I'd like to sing along and connect to a service instead of hearing how high they can sing. I mean, sure every once in a while I get that, but its sure not often enough for me. But yet, I go almost every Friday possible. Why?..you may ask. Because of the communitas. (community) its the kehilah kidosha. Its a beautiful thing. I feel so warm and happy everytime I enter the temple. Its the people around me who make me feel amazing. Sure, I may not always connect to the service, but at least it puts a smile on my face.
I know personally I'm going to lead services differently when I'm a cantor with whoever my rabbi is. (probably a best friend from Kutz!) I love being a jew, especially in this reform movement.
Which reminds me of an arguement that I had with one of my good friends. About how I'm too "jewish" for the reform movement. How I'm more of a "Jew" then any other reform Jew. Because I wear tzit tzit, have a passion for learning, want to be a cantor, and so much more. This upsets me. I try so hard to explain to her how being a reform Jew you have so much CTK (Choice Through Knowlage) type things. She just won't get it. I'm sure she will one day. I mean, its great. I actually am in love with it.
As for me, my Judiasm is not doing so well. I have't had a good connecting service in such a long time. Because if I was to keep standing during the V'havtah today and start to daven, people would stare me down and be like..what is she doing? There for I just be upset, sit down, and just chant like everyone else. As frustrating it is, thats one more service I got through, until one day I'll be a cantor, with my own temple, of our own customs. My father keeps telling me how I won't be like that, and everytime my mother yells at him because she knows how my temple will be. And my father dreams that i will have a temple of the one i want. Ohh how I love my family.
Even though all the hard times. Maybe in a week it won't be so bad. At least thats when the shadow moves out of our house. ...hmp.
L'Shana Tovah, and Lilah Tov!
Stupid high schoolers.
I'm so friggin picky, and I know that. But once again here's a rant that some will relate with, some will be right on, some will be, WTF mate?, and others will think nothing of it.
Teenage drinking. Sure it happens. What are you gonna do it about it? Personally, the whole fact that people drink doesn't bother me what so ever. Its the
after effects. As in, taking pictures of all the bottles you drank, or of you drinking beer or wine or whatever floats your boat. That doesn't bother me eather, maybe they might remember those times. Its the even more
after effects. As in, the I'm so cool the fact that your all like I'm gonna take pictures, and stick them on the interent, and then get in trouble with my school for under age drinking! WAHOO!
I mean honestly, how stupid CAN YOU BE!? Your ruining your chances to get into college, being on that sports team, and doing well in life because you want people to think your cool and have them all see you drink and smoke it up. Your not cool. Sure people may think that now, but they aren't going to think that when you get kicked off your school's volleyball team or basketball team. Your team will hate you and you let them down because of stupid descions. I mean, honestly what's up with that?
I know that's happend at other schools, not at mine, but still. It just makes me so angry. SO angry. Maybe thats why I'm not going to be friends with them. I just don't respect people who do that type of crap. Honestly don't try to be cool. Don't try to fit in. I love the life I live. I love the friends I have. Because they like me for ME. Not because of something thats cool that I do.
Yeah im done for now.
Great leaders into tyrants..what happend?
I'm never going to name names.
But I hate those people who once they are given a big leadership-y role in life, they change. And its not for the better. They become all, oh, your a little person, I'll pretend to care so you don't talk shit behind my back, but in reality I don't. GAH. SCREW YOU FOOL. I mean thats what I'm thinking. Surely one would not waste your time with them. But whatever.
It makes me upset. Truely. I like the font Georgia. Its this font, not the one this shows up in but whatever. Its all tov. :)
Progressive dinner was fine. Havdallah was interesting, lead by me. Bleh. This event shows me so much. How it was my first event last year being on TRSTY Board and boy I thought I was cool. Hahahaha.
If I ever become some kind of high autority leader and I'm a bitch, please slap me across the face and say snap out of it. Thanks. :) Just had to put that out there.
Why do people do that? Honestly. Its upsetting, good people going bad.
But as Robby may say, it don't bother me, because I got you. Oh how I love that song and 2nd ACA. :) <3
My heart is wants to be at home while my mind is still here.
Still missing it. When will I not?
Today, September 11th, was a day. Has a lot of meaning to some, less to others. We won't get into what it means to me yet..
I'd much rather talk about a conversation I had with my old world history teacher, Ms. Cutler, a fantastic Jewish young woman with bright red curly hair and a great fashion sense. A teacher I hold near and dear to my heart. She understands how much I love NFTY. She's loud, and Jappy, but thats why I love her. She even dated an old religous school teacher of mine.
It's the conversation we had today. I was talking about my tzit tzit. I told her about my life changing experince at Kutz. She's oh so happy for me, but also agrees with my parents that I should keep it tucked in. I mean, its not like any of the Palestinian or Lebonese kids are going to be like that girl is wearing tzit tzit so that means shes jewish lets beat her up. See, 1. They probably already know I'm a Jew. 2. They have no idea what the heck tzit tzit is, and if they do know they don't think of it like that because you see Hasidic men traiditionaly wear it. Even though that doesn't bother me. Ms. Cutler makes me feel like I make her seem like a bad Jew because I love to go to shul on Friday nights as much as I can. She said her mother would have a ball with me. But really, that's alright. I always try to explain to her how there is no such thing as a good or bad Jew. But she just says Rachel go to class or something like that.
Even though Ms. Cutler has different views on being Jewish than me, I love talking to her. She just makes me smile and always has something funny to say. She's also conservative, but that doesn't make things too different...right?
I need a good service. Really badly.
So I'm into this whole blogging bussiness. But its crazy to read other people's blogs. Through struggles of everyday life, to relizations that will last a life time.
Crazy.
My thoughts on 9/11.
I still remember that day, crystal clear. I was in 6th grade in Mr. Chase's long world history lectures. He was talking about the silk road in China when the planes hit. 20 mins later you hear, "Jody Davis please come to the office" People looked around confused, but accepted it. Soon I saw more and more parents coming to school. I though, oh maybe its a visiting day or something. Then the rumors spread all throughout the 6th grade. A bomb hit the washington mounment! Bush is going to blow up everyone! A bunch of crazyness like that. Then my teacher Mr. Tritle told us the real story. I didn't think much of it. It scared me a little bit, but not that much. It wasn't till that night I was home and watching the news with my parents. Thats when it all started. I saw the plane hit the towers. I was scared. I was scared every single night that a plane was going to hit my room. Thats when everything started happening. I started to become scared of everything around me. I thought my parents were going to die. In June, thats when Gramea died, my best friend's little seven year old sister. Death started to haunt me and scare me. Every night before going to sleep I would always imagine my parents dying in different weird ways. I would always imagine someone trying to come in my house and kill me. I lived every single night scared. The only time at night I didn't think bad things, was when I was away at Camp Louise, my home away from home. But that didn't stop until the end of sophomore year, after I came home from Kutz. Kutz made me relize thats so stupid. For five years, I've had nightmares, night terrors, and everything under the sun. I'm not sure if 9/11 triggered it, but something did, but its stopped. And its so much easier to live life. I pray for the victims today, and for everyone to rest in peace. But its defintly a day I won't forget.
Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.
